Our 34 hour roundtrip to Iguazu saw the showing of no less than six (seis!) films, only one of which involved John Travolta, bazookas, and hipster scarves.
The standout show of the trip however was the small budget “Hotel for Dogs”, a product of Nickelodeon Films that surprisingly did not involve anyone getting slimed. Following the endearing (mis)adventures of two young siblings, the movie attempted to tackle complicated issues of race, acceptance, and how to get rid of massive amounts of dogpoo.
The story starts off with Emma Roberts and her little brother attempting to con a pawn shop owner by selling him a Boost Mobile (not blatant product placement) box filled with rocks. You could tell this was a bad idea to start with because everyone knows that Verizon offers the best coverage nationwide. We are meant to induce that Emma Roberts and her brother are poor, which is confusing because her aunt is
Shortly after pulling off the heist of the century, Emma Roberts her brother are caught by the police who take them to the social services center, where out of nowhere appears Oscar Winner Don Cheadle, who I guess liked the script A LOT. We find out that EmRobs and Co. are orphans currerntly living with the foster parents from hell, who turn out to be the ugly lady from Friends and Johnny Drama (which on paper sound like awesome foster parents). Once back at home, we find out that the kids have a small dog named Friday, who lives with them - unbeknownst to the parents - and likes to eat a lot. This is hilarious because he’s a small dog (the laughs keep coming from here on out so be prepared).
A few days later, Friday gets caught by the city’s dogcatcher unit, which is massive for some reason, which forces EmRobs to use up the last of their cash to bail him out. On the way back home, they stumble into an abandoned hotel conveniently placed right next to their apartment complex; there, they run into two more dogs, and the kids decide to take care of all three. The little brother begins to clean up the hotel while EmRobs goes out to find some dogfood.
Predictably, the guy working at the dogfood store is suuuuper cute, and rocks a Justin Bieber haircut that would make Phil Cooney proud. EmRobs is totally into him, which yields a sassy sarcastic retort from the other store employee, Queen Latifah 2.0; the three bond over a 5 minute commercial transaction and they head back to the hotel together (please keep that in context). A few days later a fat kid with no name (we’ll call him Brock), shows up, thus completing the racially diverse cast necessary to all teen movies.
The kids begin to clean up the hotel and build clever machines to automate the daily process of taking care of the dogs (obviously through montage), at the same time, more dogs keep being brought in from the streets because apparently everyone keeps abandoning them.
Things are going well, UNTIL THEY DON”T. EmRobs goes to a big party where she gets called out for being an orphan, something she’d been lying about the whole time because apparently it’s really embarrassing. Then someone spills a drink on her (more her fault than his), and she runs out of the party. At the same time, the food machine in the hotel breaks and the dogs destroy everything, her brother gets caught by Johnny Drama while stealing a hairdryer, and in the ensuing pursuit the whole hotel operation gets busted. The dogs are sent to the pound and the kids back into orphanages.
Things go from bad to worse when the foster parents decide they’ve had enough of the kids and send them back to separate orphanages. This lasts for about ten minutes until Justin Bieber haircut picks them both up (apparently you can just leave orphanages at will) and they decide to plan the most daring escape plan since Nic Cage in Face/Off. Through a series of preparation montages reminiscent of Rocky IV (perhaps the best documentary ever made), the kids manage to free all the dogs in the pound and set them on course for an animal shelter (it got confusing). The highlight of the scene involved Brock using a combination of wrestling skills and enormous amounts of saturated fat to subdue the guard who was threatening Queen Latifah 2.0. You better believe they chose “Who Let the Dogs Out” for the soundtrack.
Brock. His hobbies include not exercising
and being passive aggressive.
The escape is well underway and Friday, who for some reason is the fastest dog of the group even though we clearly saw at least four greyhounds in the previous scene, is leading the pack. Suddenly, despite the fact that they’re following A VAN FULL OF DELI MEATS, Friday remembers his pillow and takes a unplanned turn, spurring all the dogs who can also clearly see/smell the VAN FULL OF DELI MEATS to follow him. Of course they end back up at the hotel, where the kids conveniently arrive at the same time as the dogcatchers, the press, the police, and everyone in the surrounding 25 blocks. Things are looking bleak for the kids and the pets when once again, out of nowhere, appears Oscar Winner Don Cheadle, who uses the ridiculous acting chops to convince everyone that an historically significant landmark should be converted into a residence for dogs, despite the lack of any social or economic benefit. Of course everyone agrees with him and what was once a shabby yet functional setup is transformed into a hotel that could rival the George V in terms of service. Recession Schmecession.
For obvious storyline reasons EmRobs and Justin Bieber haircut finally hook up, and Oscar Winner Don Cheadle adopt the siblings. FIN.
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