The Herms Join A Bike Gang

…for a tour of the town. While we’d enjoyed walking around the city for the past few days, Buenos Aires’ extensive breadth had made it difficult to cover more than a single part of the city each day. In the hopes of getting some exposure to the more out-of-the-way neighborhoods and getting a challenging quad workout, we signed up for the Buenos Aires Bike Tours, which would take us through Retiro, Puerto Modero, Santelmo, La Boca, and finally Plaza Mayo. This would be a challenging day: we would have to arrive at Plaza San Martin before 2:00 pm and make it through the notoriously busy streets of the city’s centre without getting run over.

As it turns out, the sun rises over Buenos Aires at a relatively normal time (something not obvious from our apartment), and by the time we got to the Plaza it was straight up hot. Joe Moore and I had opted for khaki shorts and sweatshirts, while Mammel, who was intent on taking the lead during the intense mountain stages of the ride, went for the triathlete look. He looked like a more handsome Brad Pitt.

Pure. Sexy.

Our guide, Miguelito showed up dressed like an Eskimo, and was very impressed by our indifference to the arctic 75 degree weather. After some quick introductions and an ill-advised attempt at rocking the helmet look, we were off. Our first stop was the newest neighborhood of the city: Puerto Modero. Best described as a reengineered 19^th century harbor, the neighborhood is a sleek balance of old and new, and the location of many top-notch restaurants and highrise apartments. The pedestrian bridge that crosses its center, one of the most prominent features of the city, symbolizes the blending of old and new that can be seen around the whole city: build from space-age material, it represents a Tango couple in the middle of a dance.

It's not as innocent as you think

Next stop was Santelmo, a distinctly residential area and one of the poorer parts of the capital. As we both figuratively and literally crossed the tracks, buildings got smaller and more colorful, with stray dogs walking around as small groups of youths joked around on porch steps. Things were quieter here, and we settled down somewhat as the constant fear of vehicular collision became less of a concern. Almost seamlessly, Santelmo turned into La Boca, another poor neighborhood home to the notorious Boca Junior Athletic Club, the starting point of Argentine mega-legend Maradona. Characterized by its soccer stadium, Boca clearly appealed to foreigners, a fact it has exploited extensively. Boca’s tourist district is the stereotype of the Latin nation: constant soliciting by peddlers of all sorts, crowded streets, and endless rows of stores selling the same products. Nonetheless, the place has charm, and once you actually settle down at one of the cafes and order a Coke, it’s an enjoyable stop.

The Cafe that will go down in infamy

Unfortunately, La Boca turned out to be the beginning of the end of an enjoyable day as we entered into an ill-fated bet with Matt over the caloric content of Diet Coke. Mammel, thanks to a combination of intense (nonexistent) study habits and his ability to make complete BS sound factual, assured us that Diet Coke had neither sugar nor calories. Joe and I, confident that the Coca Cola company would never stoop as low as marketing two products with the same nutrition under two names, asserted that only Coke Zero had 0 calories (because duh), while Diet Coke only had 0 sugars. Our confidence soared so high that we bet Mammel a trip’s worth of free Coke, a bet he immediately accepted and then almost as immediately began backing out of. Matt’s stress level remained high for the rest of the trip, which would make the later revelation all the more painful…

After a quick beverage, we checked out a few stores, Mammel bough a Maradona jersey (“chicks love that guy”), and we got back on the road. We headed back into Santelmo, and through a park, where our guide imparted us with by far the funniest fact of the day. It turns out that the Tango, Argentina’s sexiest export, was originally reserved only for men (until 1934!); who would dance together at bars after work before heading upstairs to the prevalent burdels of the city. Our guide called it mental preparation; it also explains why Argentine men are so flexible.

Not your grandfather's Tango

As the afternoon came to an end, we made our ways back to Retiro, stopping on the way at the Plaza de Mayo (the original city center) and making our way through some of the older parts of the city. After a long day of riding, and a brutal uphill climb to the second floor of the parking lot where we began our journey (Joe and Mammel made it, I did not), we headed out for some Happy Hour Cervezas and made our way back through the Subte.

It had been a long day in itself, but Matt Hammel, compulsive entertainer, still had a hand left to play. Most people over the age of 6 can exit a subway car without little problems, but Matt is no ordinary guy (you should see his resume!). In the span of 15 seconds, he managed to get both his head (funny), and then two seconds later his foot (lol funny) stuck in the subway door as we exited. Because we are great friends we fell over laughing and made no effort to help him whatsoever. We’re still looking for the security cam footage.

Postscript: Matt Hammel, Consultant, turned out to be right, Diet Coke has the same nutritional info as Coke Zero, even though it does not in fact taste like Coke. We’ve been good sports and honored our bet since then, even though he kindly offered to make it just one Coke each. I hate to admit it, but I was outsmarted by Matt Hammel…

Cold. Hard. Facts.

…I hope he gets Austin Freeman Disease.